I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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