Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
