I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
