god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
