there's paper in my vomit.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
