Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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