I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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