While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize