I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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