R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
