Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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