I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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