I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
