The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
