After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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