im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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