When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize