a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
