I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
