my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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