The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
