just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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