I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
