I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
