Nicole vs. Life
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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