If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
