Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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