The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
