I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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