Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
