I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
