I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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