so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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