We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This is my gift to your gina
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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