his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My bed smells like the plague
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