I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
