You're so nebulous sometimes
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize