Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
