Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize