She is in my trunk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
