I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
