well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
