he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
