guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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