I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
