just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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