so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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