It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
