K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
