Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
