I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
