We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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