I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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