is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
