between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
