Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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