dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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