i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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