I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
