I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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