She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
