She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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