He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
