I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
