I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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