Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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